Government-Approved. Taxpayer-Funded. Contractor-Operated.
THE HILLSDALE CONSERVATIVES
Special Satirical Business Edition • May 2026
HILLSDALE COUNTY, MICHIGAN – Representative Jennifer Wortz recently posted a video defending HB 5717, her bill allowing townships to contract with an accredited individual to perform election-law duties when the township clerk and deputies are unavailable.
Watch it here:
https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1YFjPsNTqs/
The post was meant to calm people down.
It did not.
It revealed a business model.
And for that, we offer Representative Wortz our deepest, most professionally branded gratitude.
Because once you scrape away the Lansing polish, the bipartisan applause, and the “this is only about helping rural townships” wrapping paper, what remains is a bold new opportunity in government-sanctioned election outsourcing.
Ladies and gentlemen, citizens and taxpayers, clerks and soon-to-be contractors, welcome to the future:
Election Manipulation LLC
When local accountability gets inconvenient, we provide solutions.
GRAND OPENING SPECIAL
THE OFFICIAL ELECTION MANIPULATION LLC T-SHIRT
Wear the reform.
Printed with our proud corporate seal and official slogan:
Government-Approved. Taxpayer-Funded. Contractor-Operated.
Perfect for township meetings, county board meetings, election hearings, and any gathering where someone insists this is all perfectly normal.
Election Manipulation LLC T-Shirt
Because if local constitutional government is being turned into a service contract, you might as well dress for the occasion.
A BETTER WAY TO RUN LOCAL ELECTIONS WITHOUT ALL THAT LOCAL STUFF
For years, township government operated under an old-fashioned assumption.
The voters elected a township clerk.
The township clerk handled township election duties.
If the clerk and deputy clerks were unavailable, the law pointed back toward the township itself.
Local person.
Local voters.
Local accountability.
How charming.
How rustic.
How deeply inconvenient.
HB 5717 improves this primitive arrangement by allowing a township board to contract with an accredited individual from a nearby city or township even statewide and hand that person deputy-clerk authority over registrations, nominations, and elections.
In plain English:
The elected office weakens.
The clerk is underpaid.
The workload grows.
The deputy structure fails.
The township contracts out the election function.
The public is told this is still “local control.”
And then the invoice arrives.
That is not dysfunction.
That is entrepreneurship.
“HB 5717 does not merely solve a vacancy problem. It creates a market for vacancy management.” – George Washington
HOT COFFEE. COLD ACCOUNTABILITY.
THE OFFICIAL ELECTION MANIPULATION LLC MUG
Start your morning with a warm cup of procedural ambiguity.
Every mug features our patriotic logo and the words:
Government-Approved. Taxpayer-Funded. Contractor-Operated.
Perfect for coffee, tea, or the bitter taste of watching elected local authority become contractor authority while everyone keeps smiling for the cameras.
Election Manipulation LLC Mug
Tastes like invoice ink.
Pairs nicely with chain-of-custody confusion.
“At Election Manipulation LLC, we believe democracy works best when it is professionally managed by people you did not elect.” – #1 sales Rep. Barack Obama
THE CLERK PAY PROBLEM, FINALLY MONETIZED
Supporters of HB 5717 will say something true:
Township clerks often make very little money.
Correct.
Many rural clerks carry serious election responsibilities for part-time compensation and full-time liability. They handle voter registration duties, notices, absentee ballot work, public accuracy testing, poll books, inspectors, returns, records, and chain-of-custody obligations, often while being treated like a budget footnote.
A serious legislature might ask obvious questions.
How do we strengthen the clerk’s office?
How do we pay clerks properly?
How do we train deputies?
How do we preserve local election authority?
But why solve the problem in the public interest when you can convert the problem into a contractor opportunity?
HB 5717 offers a far more elegant solution.
Keep the office weak.
Keep the pay low.
Keep the workload high.
Wait for the system to wobble.
Then authorize a contract.
Not enough money for the clerk.
Somehow enough money for the contractor.
A modern miracle.
CLASSIFIED AD
NOW HIRING: FORMER CLERKS
Burned out? Underpaid? Tired of being directly accountable to your own township voters?
Join Election Manipulation LLC today!!!
Why struggle inside the elected office when you can leave it behind and come back as a contracted election professional?
Benefits may include:
Less constitutional nostalgia.
More invoice flexibility.
Premium accountability fog.
Exciting opportunities in post-local election administration.
Election Manipulation LLC
No Constitution? No Problem.
OUR PREMIUM SERVICE PACKAGES
At Election Manipulation LLC, we specialize in turning public-office failure into private revenue.
Emergency Clerk Replacement Package
Is your township clerk unavailable?
Has your deputy structure failed?
Did the township forget to maintain local election capacity?
No problem.
We provide a nearby accredited operator ready to step into your township election machinery with all the confidence of someone not elected by your township voters.
Accountability Fog System
Our most popular service.
When citizens ask, “Who was responsible?” the answer should never be simple.
With our Accountability Fog System:
The township points to the contractor.
The contractor points to the board.
The board points to the state.
The state points to the statute.
The county points somewhere else entirely.
Everyone points.
Nobody answers.
Clear responsibility is outdated.
Distributed confusion is the future.
Local Control Branding Package
Worried citizens may notice that local control is becoming less local.
Relax.
Our messaging toolkit includes:
“This is about helping rural clerks.”
“This is only for emergencies.”
“This is about continuity.”
“This is about trained professionals.”
“This is about making sure elections happen.”
“This is not political.”
The trick is not to preserve local control.
The trick is to preserve the phrase.
OFFICIAL FIELD GEAR
THE ELECTION MANIPULATION LLC HAT
Keep the sun out of your eyes while keeping the public in the dark.
A bold patriotic cap for the modern election entrepreneur.
Ideal for township board members, contractor-class enthusiasts, accountability avoiders, and citizens who appreciate irony with their civics.
Election Manipulation LLC Hat
Because nothing says “representative government” like an unelected contractor wearing authority one stitch at a time.
“We are proud to offer local governments a turnkey solution for avoiding responsibility.” — -Company President Donald Trump-
THE MASSIVE CORRUPTION SURCHARGE
No premium business model would be complete without premium pricing.
That brings us to our Massive Corruption Surcharge.
Now, to be clear, this is satire. But good satire exists because the public can see the shape of the scam even when it is dressed in legislative language.
Turning yesterday’s questionable conduct into tomorrow’s lawful framework is not cheap.
There are costs.
Messaging costs.
Cleanup costs.
Relationship-management costs.
“Nothing to see here” costs.
“This is just about helping townships” costs.
“It passed with bipartisan support, so stop asking questions” costs.
And, of course, the ever-popular:
“This Was Always Fine, We Just Needed a Bill Saying So” Compliance Package.
Who pays?
Not the politicians.
Not the talking heads.
Not the legislative class.
The township pays.
The taxpayer pays.
The same public told there was not enough money to properly strengthen the clerk’s office may now discover there is always money for emergency contracts, accredited outsiders, consultant-style arrangements, and premium administrative workarounds.
Not enough for the office.
Enough for the invoice.
ROADSIDE REPUBLICANISM
THE OFFICIAL ELECTION MANIPULATION LLC BUMPER STICKER
Let the driver behind you know exactly what kind of republic you are riding in:
Government-Approved.
Taxpayer-Funded.
Contractor-Operated.
Stick it on your truck, filing cabinet, laptop, campaign cooler, or nearest symbolic remnant of local accountability.
Available while supplies last.
Unlike confidence in public institutions.
“Public trust is priceless. That is why we bill hourly.” – Ben Franklin
WHY HILLSDALE SHOULD CARE
This is not funny because it is far-fetched.
It is funny because it is plausible.
In Hillsdale County, people have already seen controversies involving township election authority, outside involvement, blurred responsibility, state-level guidance, county-level involvement, local clerks treated as obstacles, and election questions met with silence, deflection, or procedural fog.
That is why HB 5717 does not read here like neutral housekeeping.
It reads like a retrofit.
If outside assumption of election functions was already comfortably lawful, why change the law?
If the old structure was adequate, why create a contract model?
If this is only about emergency continuity, why does the solution so neatly expand the pathway for outsider control over local election functions?
Those are not fringe questions.
Those are republic questions.
Before Michigan allows the most sensitive duties of township government to become a managed-service lane, citizens deserve answers.
FULL PATRIOT PACK
GET ALL FOUR TODAY
The official Election Manipulation LLC Patriot Pack includes:
T-Shirt.
Hat.
Mug.
Bumper Sticker.
Show your support for the future of public administration:
Less local.
More contractual.
Fully invoice-ready.
Election Manipulation LLC Patriot Pack
For the citizen who believes local elections should be run with all the warmth and transparency of a third-party service agreement.
“We do not destroy election confidence. We simply relocate it to a secure, contractor-operated facility.” – Abraham Lincoln
DO NOT FORGET TO VOTE. IT TOTALLY MATTERS.
Let us be very clear.
Election Manipulation LLC would never suggest that once elections are safely moved into trusted contractor hands, they might somehow become less accountable, less transparent, or more political.
Perish the thought.
And we would absolutely never encourage underpaid clerks to vacate their seats, burn out, step aside, or join our exciting new 100% lawful election-management company.
Never.
We simply believe in progress.
The past had elected township clerks.
The future has accredited operators.
The past had local accountability.
The future has service packages.
The past had constitutional structure.
The future has billing.
You’re welcome.
And remember:
Don’t forget to vote.
It totally matters.
So let us thank Representative Jennifer Wortz for her hard work.
Whether intended or not, she helped sketch the ideal promotional brochure for a new age in Michigan election administration.
Underpay the clerk.
Weaken the office.
Normalize the workaround.
Contract out the duty.
Spread the responsibility.
Send the bill to the township.
Call it reform.
That is not merely policy.
That is the founding charter of Election Manipulation LLC.
Government-Approved.
Taxpayer-Funded.
Contractor-Operated.
Buy the shirt.
Buy the hat.
Buy the mug.
Buy the bumper sticker.
Because if representative government is being rebranded as a premium contractor service, you may as well get the merch. 17% discount Hillsdale residents only, contact Jennifer Wortz.
To a prosperous future,
Election Manipulation LLC:
Clerk, Lance Lashaway
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